Having disposed off the bottles he returned to check if the solitary chair on the varanda had somehow managed to keep itself dry. It hadn't. The rains had been thorough. He thought for a while, then went and sat on the steps. He was going to get his ass damp anyway. And the steps offered a better view of the street which was always a thing of beauty after the rains, the water covering it like an ornamental skin giving it a majestic sheen. And the skin blushed golden where the street lights stood and stared. Namit smiled to himself at this thought. He was drunk. Really drunk. But when had that ever been enough. He took the pack of cigarettes out. Two cigarettes. If he smoked one now he's have only one for the rest of the day. He decided not to. Put the packet away.
Five cigarettes a day. This was not a constraint to be taken lightly he knew. His willpower was only holding up barely, waiting for one slip up, one cheat day, to just vanish into thin air. Like it had when he's gotten addicted in the first place. He cursed himself for allowing himself three cigarettes in the three hours since midnight. Now he had twenty one hours and two cigarettes left. The self of the future paying for the luxuries of the self past.
Five cigarettes a day. This was not a constraint to be taken lightly he knew. His willpower was only holding up barely, waiting for one slip up, one cheat day, to just vanish into thin air. Like it had when he's gotten addicted in the first place. He cursed himself for allowing himself three cigarettes in the three hours since midnight. Now he had twenty one hours and two cigarettes left. The self of the future paying for the luxuries of the self past.
Namit had started smoking in college. Most of his friends were already smokers. They'd sometimes offer him one and he'd refuse. For a long time he refused. Then one day curiosity got the better of him. In the beginning he would only smoke now and then, hardly a cigarette a day. At this point he was still under the illusion that he had power over those little white sticks. That he could smoke if he wanted to and not smoke if he didn't. By the time he passed his B.Tech, the illusion was gone. Five cigarettes a day was now a necessity. The whip had changed hands. The cigarettes were in control. A few months later he was in Kolkata, a fledgling employee in the IT sector and he was up to more than a pack a day. He would start the day with a cigarette, end the day with another and there were several in between.
This went on till one day he got news that his former music teacher had died of throat cancer. The news wasn't that much of a surprise. The guy used to smoke a lot, some times even going so far as to light one in class as he sat in a corner and tuned a guitar or fiddled with a mandolin. But obviously some of the parents found out and he lost most of his students. With a heavy heart, he had to give up that habit. He couldn't, however, stay away from nicotine for any stretch of time. He simply switched to chewing tobacco while students were around.
This was like a wake up call to Namit. He decided to quit. He tried to quit cold turkey at first but soon realised that it was never going to work. The urge remained as strong as ever and soon enough there was the inevitable relapse. He was back to a pack a day. This time he was trying to gradually reduce the number of cigarettes he smoked per day. So far he'd managed to come down to five.
Namit thought he heard the gate sliding open. This startled him.
"Hey. This is utopia house right?"
Looking up, Namit saw a man in his early twenties, tall, thin, dressed in a black slipknot tee and jeans standing at the gate and looking at him. Namit chucked to himself.
"Is that what Pappu's calling this place now? That ass." Namit mocked the action of taking a long drag of smoke from an imaginary cigarette and coolly blowing imaginary smoke out. He did not know why he was doing this other than that he was fairly drunk.
"Pappu Rai. That is the person I talked to."
"Come in then. You're at the right place."
The man set the large backpack he had on his back down and tried to open the gate wide.
"You'll have to lift it a little... yup... there you go. Tell you what. That's a lot of luggage you got there."
The man looked down at all his bags. "Yeah, I guess." He said as he pulled the backpack back onto his shoulders, "You never know what kind of baggage you've got till you've taken the time to pack and its all in front of you."
"True," Namit nodded emphatically, "Do you need help with those bags?" He asked, although, for a second, he doubted if he had even said that aloud. He did not actually want to get up. Nor did he think he could be of any help in this state. He'd had four beers
He usually got drink around the second. He stretched his legs with a grunt.
The man didn't say anything for a while. He adjusted a sling bag so it hung beside the backpack already on his back. Then he put a small duffel bag onto the much larger trolley bag so that it rested on the top partially supported against the extended telescopic handle. Clearly struggling with the weight of it all, he slowly made his way through the gate. He had barely taken four steps though, when he lost control of the trolley and the duffel bag fell onto the ground with a thump. There was a sound of something breaking inside the bag. Namit felt sorry for the guy.
"What did you break?"
The guy stood there for a while looking crestfallen as he stared at the bag. "Its nothing." As he bent down to pick it up the sling bag swung about his shoulder and its momentum almost threw him on the ground.
"Just put your bags down and come sit with me. You're much more exhausted than you think you are. When dawn breaks I'll go wake that idiot Pappu. He can help you with the bags."
"Hmm.. that seems reasonable"
"What's your name?"
"Sidhant." The man said as he gathered all the bags in one spot. He then closed the gate and secured the latch.
"How long have you lived here?" he asked as he came and sat besides Namit. He didn't complain about the steps being wet. Namit thought that odd but then this guy was definitely exhausted enough to not really care.
"Seven months now. First floor. The door with the dabangg poster. We didn't put it there but its so cool we let it stay." Namit let out a bark of a laugh. "Bhai!"
'We? You and your room mate?"
"Yeah. We're both from Assam. You're from?"
"Patna. But my dad was in Assam for two years. IOCL Noonmati."
"Umm hmm... You smoke?"
"Yes."
"Here..." Namit held out the pack of cigarettes.
Sidhant fished out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. Namit took the other one. He put the empty pack back in his pocket. "Matches?"
"There you go."
"Thanks." Sidhant lit his cigarette then offered the flame to Namit as well. "I'm glad you decided to stay up late tonight. I reached at such an odd time..." he paused for a puff, "I was worried I'd have to sit outside the house all alone till morning."
"Nah bro. You got me. And you got cigarettes. That is the definition of good company."
Sidhant laughed "Yeah."
For a long time both of them sat there smoking till Namit had coerced out the last bit of smoke from the tiny stub left in his hand. He winced as the heat stung his lips. Then he threw the stub away.
"I need a walk. Care for a walk?"
"Sure... but the bags?"
"Ah. Your bags will be fine. We'll bring them up to the veranda. Come give me a hand."
Namit was already amongst the bags looking drunkenly down and swaying just a little.
"No no its ok. I'll take care of the bags. You go ahead."
"Ok then. If you insist." Namit opened the gate and got out into the street. He stared up at whatever little sky was visible between the roofs of the buildings on both sides. To his drunken mind it all looked beautifully surreal. A sudden bout of vertigo made him look down again. He crouched down, put one hand on his knee and with the other gently rubbed the back of his neck. When he felt better, he stood up straight.
"You all right?" Sidhant asked as he walked up to Namit.
"Yeah I'm fine. Come, I'll show you the neighbourhood."
They made their way up the wet street. There were a couple of buildings on either side and then a pharmacy on the left, just at the corner. On the right, opposite the pharmacy, was a ramshackle hut . The kind that should look totally out of place in that sort of a locality with all the buildings around it. And yet it stood there, at ease, confident that it belonged. Right there. Right then. As they crossed the hut Namit saw one of the stray dogs of the locality spread out just outside the door. Like one of those hounds in stories guarding houses that held treasures or secrets. Only it wasn't a hound. And there was not much to guard beyond the dilapidated door. He'd thought the dog was asleep but it lifted its head and looked their way as they passed. He gave it a wave of the hand and smiled. The dog didn't respond.
Beyond the hut, they turned left into another street. "See that stall?"
Sidhant looked to where Namit was pointing. "Yes. What about it?"
"Bihari guy. Makes the best egg rolls in the neighbourhood! 18 rupees per roll. You have no idea how many rolls we've... Uff!" Namit felt all the air leaving his lungs as he hit the ground. There was a sharp pain in his toe. When he got his breath back he looked around to see what he'd stumbled on. It was a couple of bricks cemented together that must have broken off the walls bordering the houses.
"Are you hurt?"
Namit checked to see if his toe was bleeding. "No. Toe's fine."
"You are drunk. Lets get you back." Sidhant said as he helped Namit off the ground.
"Dhut. I stumble all the time."
"Well, you stumbled big this time."
"Oh come on!"
Sidhant laughed. "Tell me something Namit. If you don't mind my asking."
"What?"
"Tomorrow's monday. Why are you drunk and awake at three in the morning?"
Namit cocked his head at that. He hesitated for a while and then finally said "Stuff."
"What stuff?"
"Stuff I don't have to tell you."
"Girlfriend said something? "
"She's not my girlfriend." Namit blurted out and then irritably rubbed his chest where a stone on the ground had dug in when he'd fallen. It hurt. The impact of the fall had rattled his spine. There was a pain around his lower back. "Not enough to be alarming." Namit muttered to himself. "Don't ask any more questions. Its personal." He said louder.
They walked in silence for a while, Namit with is hands in his pockets and head hung low, Sidhant a few steps back. After a while Namit forgot about him entirely. They reached the point where the street met the highway. A flyover began its mild ascent just a few meters to the right of that point. As Namit stepped onto the flyover, he felt as if he was alone after all, out on the streets under a sky so close to dawn and yet betraying no signs of that closeness. He kept his head down as he walked up the fly over, his hip really troubling him now. He heard a car approaching. He looked up but the beam of the headlights blinded him. He closed his eyes as he car rushed past him. At quite some speed.
"Who?"
"What?" Namit turned to see Sidhart trailing a few steps behind him. He sighed. Nope. He was not alone.
"Who is not your girl friend?"
"Would you shut up?"
"No."
Namit didn't say anything to that. He quickened his pace hoping Sidhant would get left behind.
"There is a bus stop up ahead. Why don't we go sit there?"
Namit turned rather dramatically "Because this is a walk."
"I just thought you might want to sit down for a while seeing as to how you hurt your hips in that fall."
Namit looked at Sidhant curiously. "That obvious?"
"Yes. Lets go sit down. I won't ask you personal questions I promise."
Again, no one spoke for a while as they climbed down the flyover and walked up to the bus stop that stood around a hundred meters ahead. Namit grunted as he sat down. The sprain was going to torment him for days.
"So? About this girl who's not your girlfriend, what did she do?"
"I will punch you in the nose if you say another word."
"Oh you can tell me."
Namit threw a vicious punch aimed at Sidhant's nose as promised. And missed. Sidhant laughed. "You are more drunk than you think you are. Much more."
Namit stared at his hands. How could he miss from that close. "Maybe I am." He sighed and put his face in his hands and pulled in as much of the cold morning air as his lungs could hold. "I never promised her anything. Its not my fault if she suddenly decides she's in love with me."
"Great. You are talking. Trust me, that's good."
"I didn't lie to her about anything. She knew about my girlfriend from the beginning. She knows I love my girlfriend. We'd decided there'd be no strings attached."
"And you really thought that would work?"
"We'd decided on that. Now suddenly things aren't working with her boyfriend and she's realised how it was me she needed all along. We had a deal."
"Don't say deal. It sounds terribly cheap."
Namit threw another punch and missed.
"What? You are angry with me for spelling out your thoughts. You do feel guilty."
"My thoughts? How do you know Asshole? Don't judge me. You don't know anything."
"So you both decide to cheat on your lovers and now you are angry at her because things got messed up. What did you expect?"
"I expected her to think reasonably."
Sidhant shook his head in disbelief.
"What reason? It was only once? It was only physical? All the pressure you face at work. It hard to keep sane isn't it. Did you tell yourself it was a necessity? Its funny you thought that reasoning would hold for long."
"Not. One. More. Word!"
"Or what? You'll punch the air again?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you."
Namit stood and started walking back. "I don't!"
"What about your girlfriend? You don't need to explain yourself to her?"
Namit stopped in his tracks. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "Sonal wouldn't understand man. She'd say I cheated."
"Which you did"
"But that doesn't necessarily make me a bad person. I'm still there for Sonal. She means a lot to me. You have no idea what I can do for her. Why do you think I'm so upset about the situation? I didn't know Neha was going to be like this. I thought she understood. I didn't make her any promises. I am not going to leave my girlfriend for her. I never claimed I would. I am loyal to my girlfriend. And I will be. You don't understand the person I am. You should really not judge me."
"Okay fine! You were the one who wanted to talk about it Namit."
Namit laughed out bitterly. "Your memory is faulty."
"So... you don't want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Then go. I'll sit here for a while."
Furious, Namit resumed the long walk back. Dawn had finally started diluting the inkiness of the sky. Namit increased his pace as if he was again trying to leave someone behind. He looked back over his shoulder to make sure Sidhant wasn't following. There was no one behind him.
"Such a relief." He told himself. "That guy doesn't know you." He was talking to himself rather loudly but that didn't bother him. "It was a necessity. He will find out soon enough, when life starts treating him like a dog, he'll find out. He'll learn the hard way." He wiped sweat off his brow. He was tired. He'd not be able to sleep. It was going to be a terribly long day at the office. "Life will teach him." Namit only now realised that he was slurring his words out quite a bit. He laughed. He was drunk. But it was only physically affecting him. Mentally he was thinking straight as an arrow. He was not going to let some self righteous idiot's ideological bullshit ruin his day. He was the only one who could judge himself. No Sidhant could pronounce him guilty. Sidhant didn't know him. Sidhant couldn't understand.
He walked till he reached the hut and turned right. The dog still lay at the doorway. Something felt heavy around his chest. Maybe it is the empty cigarette pack I am carrying around for no reason, he thought. It was an irrational thought. But it felt just about right The took the pack out of his pocket to throw it at the dog. As he drew his hand back to throw with all his drunken might he felt something move. Something inside the pack. He stared at the pack for a while. Shook it once more. There. A dull rattle. With trembling fingers, he opened the pack to see what it was.
He froze. A cigarettes. Why was there a cigarette in his pack. He and Sidhant had taken the last two. Unless... But that was a crazy thought. He stood there staring at the pack of cigarettes for just a while longer. Then he began running. When he reached his gate he almost broke the rusty hinges as he wrenched the gate open to get in. He squinted at the veranda. There were no bags. The solitary chair stood there alone. He felt his knees go weak. He looked around. There was no sign of any other person having been there. He suddenly realised he had never really touched any of the bags. And his memory of them was fading fast. The colours. The shapes. It was all fading.
Namit made his way to the steps like a toddler walking for the first time. And as he sat down Sidhant's voice rang inside his head. But it morphed into his own even as the words formed.
You never know the kind of baggage you've got till it's in front of you.
And he heard the duffel bag fall. Heard the crunch of something breaking inside.
Trust. He'd stumbled big this time.
His fingers shot up to his head. They pressed against his temple hard as if trying to crush his thoughts before they even began. But the mind was not to be stopped by brute force.
What about your girlfriend? She deserves to know.
He had finally judged himself. He had finally found himself guilty.
Doesn't Sidhant mean principle, he thought. "Bad joke!" He screamed at his own mind. "Clever. But mean."
He slumped.
This had been eating him up from inside. Only he had become so numb, he never felt it chewing him up. His soul crushed at the realization. But he had needed this.
You were the one who wanted to talk about it Namit.
His body gave up all illusions of strength. He lay down on the veranda and curled up like an unborn baby.
Even as Namit lost consciousness he'd already pulled his phone out. He'd already made that call.
"Baby is everything okay?" came the voice from the other side but Namit was asleep.
"Hello? Namit? Baby?"
There was a terrified pause. Then the phone disconnected. Then it rang again. 'Moina' the screen read.
Half an hour later when Pappu found Namit lying unconscious on the veranda the phone was still ringing.
"Hey. This is utopia house right?"
Looking up, Namit saw a man in his early twenties, tall, thin, dressed in a black slipknot tee and jeans standing at the gate and looking at him. Namit chucked to himself.
"Is that what Pappu's calling this place now? That ass." Namit mocked the action of taking a long drag of smoke from an imaginary cigarette and coolly blowing imaginary smoke out. He did not know why he was doing this other than that he was fairly drunk.
"Pappu Rai. That is the person I talked to."
"Come in then. You're at the right place."
The man set the large backpack he had on his back down and tried to open the gate wide.
"You'll have to lift it a little... yup... there you go. Tell you what. That's a lot of luggage you got there."
The man looked down at all his bags. "Yeah, I guess." He said as he pulled the backpack back onto his shoulders, "You never know what kind of baggage you've got till you've taken the time to pack and its all in front of you."
"True," Namit nodded emphatically, "Do you need help with those bags?" He asked, although, for a second, he doubted if he had even said that aloud. He did not actually want to get up. Nor did he think he could be of any help in this state. He'd had four beers
He usually got drink around the second. He stretched his legs with a grunt.
The man didn't say anything for a while. He adjusted a sling bag so it hung beside the backpack already on his back. Then he put a small duffel bag onto the much larger trolley bag so that it rested on the top partially supported against the extended telescopic handle. Clearly struggling with the weight of it all, he slowly made his way through the gate. He had barely taken four steps though, when he lost control of the trolley and the duffel bag fell onto the ground with a thump. There was a sound of something breaking inside the bag. Namit felt sorry for the guy.
"What did you break?"
The guy stood there for a while looking crestfallen as he stared at the bag. "Its nothing." As he bent down to pick it up the sling bag swung about his shoulder and its momentum almost threw him on the ground.
"Just put your bags down and come sit with me. You're much more exhausted than you think you are. When dawn breaks I'll go wake that idiot Pappu. He can help you with the bags."
"Hmm.. that seems reasonable"
"What's your name?"
"Sidhant." The man said as he gathered all the bags in one spot. He then closed the gate and secured the latch.
"How long have you lived here?" he asked as he came and sat besides Namit. He didn't complain about the steps being wet. Namit thought that odd but then this guy was definitely exhausted enough to not really care.
"Seven months now. First floor. The door with the dabangg poster. We didn't put it there but its so cool we let it stay." Namit let out a bark of a laugh. "Bhai!"
'We? You and your room mate?"
"Yeah. We're both from Assam. You're from?"
"Patna. But my dad was in Assam for two years. IOCL Noonmati."
"Umm hmm... You smoke?"
"Yes."
"Here..." Namit held out the pack of cigarettes.
Sidhant fished out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. Namit took the other one. He put the empty pack back in his pocket. "Matches?"
"There you go."
"Thanks." Sidhant lit his cigarette then offered the flame to Namit as well. "I'm glad you decided to stay up late tonight. I reached at such an odd time..." he paused for a puff, "I was worried I'd have to sit outside the house all alone till morning."
"Nah bro. You got me. And you got cigarettes. That is the definition of good company."
Sidhant laughed "Yeah."
For a long time both of them sat there smoking till Namit had coerced out the last bit of smoke from the tiny stub left in his hand. He winced as the heat stung his lips. Then he threw the stub away.
"I need a walk. Care for a walk?"
"Sure... but the bags?"
"Ah. Your bags will be fine. We'll bring them up to the veranda. Come give me a hand."
Namit was already amongst the bags looking drunkenly down and swaying just a little.
"No no its ok. I'll take care of the bags. You go ahead."
"Ok then. If you insist." Namit opened the gate and got out into the street. He stared up at whatever little sky was visible between the roofs of the buildings on both sides. To his drunken mind it all looked beautifully surreal. A sudden bout of vertigo made him look down again. He crouched down, put one hand on his knee and with the other gently rubbed the back of his neck. When he felt better, he stood up straight.
"You all right?" Sidhant asked as he walked up to Namit.
"Yeah I'm fine. Come, I'll show you the neighbourhood."
They made their way up the wet street. There were a couple of buildings on either side and then a pharmacy on the left, just at the corner. On the right, opposite the pharmacy, was a ramshackle hut . The kind that should look totally out of place in that sort of a locality with all the buildings around it. And yet it stood there, at ease, confident that it belonged. Right there. Right then. As they crossed the hut Namit saw one of the stray dogs of the locality spread out just outside the door. Like one of those hounds in stories guarding houses that held treasures or secrets. Only it wasn't a hound. And there was not much to guard beyond the dilapidated door. He'd thought the dog was asleep but it lifted its head and looked their way as they passed. He gave it a wave of the hand and smiled. The dog didn't respond.
Beyond the hut, they turned left into another street. "See that stall?"
Sidhant looked to where Namit was pointing. "Yes. What about it?"
"Bihari guy. Makes the best egg rolls in the neighbourhood! 18 rupees per roll. You have no idea how many rolls we've... Uff!" Namit felt all the air leaving his lungs as he hit the ground. There was a sharp pain in his toe. When he got his breath back he looked around to see what he'd stumbled on. It was a couple of bricks cemented together that must have broken off the walls bordering the houses.
"Are you hurt?"
Namit checked to see if his toe was bleeding. "No. Toe's fine."
"You are drunk. Lets get you back." Sidhant said as he helped Namit off the ground.
"Dhut. I stumble all the time."
"Well, you stumbled big this time."
"Oh come on!"
Sidhant laughed. "Tell me something Namit. If you don't mind my asking."
"What?"
"Tomorrow's monday. Why are you drunk and awake at three in the morning?"
Namit cocked his head at that. He hesitated for a while and then finally said "Stuff."
"What stuff?"
"Stuff I don't have to tell you."
"Girlfriend said something? "
"She's not my girlfriend." Namit blurted out and then irritably rubbed his chest where a stone on the ground had dug in when he'd fallen. It hurt. The impact of the fall had rattled his spine. There was a pain around his lower back. "Not enough to be alarming." Namit muttered to himself. "Don't ask any more questions. Its personal." He said louder.
They walked in silence for a while, Namit with is hands in his pockets and head hung low, Sidhant a few steps back. After a while Namit forgot about him entirely. They reached the point where the street met the highway. A flyover began its mild ascent just a few meters to the right of that point. As Namit stepped onto the flyover, he felt as if he was alone after all, out on the streets under a sky so close to dawn and yet betraying no signs of that closeness. He kept his head down as he walked up the fly over, his hip really troubling him now. He heard a car approaching. He looked up but the beam of the headlights blinded him. He closed his eyes as he car rushed past him. At quite some speed.
"Who?"
"What?" Namit turned to see Sidhart trailing a few steps behind him. He sighed. Nope. He was not alone.
"Who is not your girl friend?"
"Would you shut up?"
"No."
Namit didn't say anything to that. He quickened his pace hoping Sidhant would get left behind.
"There is a bus stop up ahead. Why don't we go sit there?"
Namit turned rather dramatically "Because this is a walk."
"I just thought you might want to sit down for a while seeing as to how you hurt your hips in that fall."
Namit looked at Sidhant curiously. "That obvious?"
"Yes. Lets go sit down. I won't ask you personal questions I promise."
Again, no one spoke for a while as they climbed down the flyover and walked up to the bus stop that stood around a hundred meters ahead. Namit grunted as he sat down. The sprain was going to torment him for days.
"So? About this girl who's not your girlfriend, what did she do?"
"I will punch you in the nose if you say another word."
"Oh you can tell me."
Namit threw a vicious punch aimed at Sidhant's nose as promised. And missed. Sidhant laughed. "You are more drunk than you think you are. Much more."
Namit stared at his hands. How could he miss from that close. "Maybe I am." He sighed and put his face in his hands and pulled in as much of the cold morning air as his lungs could hold. "I never promised her anything. Its not my fault if she suddenly decides she's in love with me."
"Great. You are talking. Trust me, that's good."
"I didn't lie to her about anything. She knew about my girlfriend from the beginning. She knows I love my girlfriend. We'd decided there'd be no strings attached."
"And you really thought that would work?"
"We'd decided on that. Now suddenly things aren't working with her boyfriend and she's realised how it was me she needed all along. We had a deal."
"Don't say deal. It sounds terribly cheap."
Namit threw another punch and missed.
"What? You are angry with me for spelling out your thoughts. You do feel guilty."
"My thoughts? How do you know Asshole? Don't judge me. You don't know anything."
"So you both decide to cheat on your lovers and now you are angry at her because things got messed up. What did you expect?"
"I expected her to think reasonably."
Sidhant shook his head in disbelief.
"What reason? It was only once? It was only physical? All the pressure you face at work. It hard to keep sane isn't it. Did you tell yourself it was a necessity? Its funny you thought that reasoning would hold for long."
"Not. One. More. Word!"
"Or what? You'll punch the air again?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you."
Namit stood and started walking back. "I don't!"
"What about your girlfriend? You don't need to explain yourself to her?"
Namit stopped in his tracks. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "Sonal wouldn't understand man. She'd say I cheated."
"Which you did"
"But that doesn't necessarily make me a bad person. I'm still there for Sonal. She means a lot to me. You have no idea what I can do for her. Why do you think I'm so upset about the situation? I didn't know Neha was going to be like this. I thought she understood. I didn't make her any promises. I am not going to leave my girlfriend for her. I never claimed I would. I am loyal to my girlfriend. And I will be. You don't understand the person I am. You should really not judge me."
"Okay fine! You were the one who wanted to talk about it Namit."
Namit laughed out bitterly. "Your memory is faulty."
"So... you don't want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Then go. I'll sit here for a while."
Furious, Namit resumed the long walk back. Dawn had finally started diluting the inkiness of the sky. Namit increased his pace as if he was again trying to leave someone behind. He looked back over his shoulder to make sure Sidhant wasn't following. There was no one behind him.
"Such a relief." He told himself. "That guy doesn't know you." He was talking to himself rather loudly but that didn't bother him. "It was a necessity. He will find out soon enough, when life starts treating him like a dog, he'll find out. He'll learn the hard way." He wiped sweat off his brow. He was tired. He'd not be able to sleep. It was going to be a terribly long day at the office. "Life will teach him." Namit only now realised that he was slurring his words out quite a bit. He laughed. He was drunk. But it was only physically affecting him. Mentally he was thinking straight as an arrow. He was not going to let some self righteous idiot's ideological bullshit ruin his day. He was the only one who could judge himself. No Sidhant could pronounce him guilty. Sidhant didn't know him. Sidhant couldn't understand.
He walked till he reached the hut and turned right. The dog still lay at the doorway. Something felt heavy around his chest. Maybe it is the empty cigarette pack I am carrying around for no reason, he thought. It was an irrational thought. But it felt just about right The took the pack out of his pocket to throw it at the dog. As he drew his hand back to throw with all his drunken might he felt something move. Something inside the pack. He stared at the pack for a while. Shook it once more. There. A dull rattle. With trembling fingers, he opened the pack to see what it was.
He froze. A cigarettes. Why was there a cigarette in his pack. He and Sidhant had taken the last two. Unless... But that was a crazy thought. He stood there staring at the pack of cigarettes for just a while longer. Then he began running. When he reached his gate he almost broke the rusty hinges as he wrenched the gate open to get in. He squinted at the veranda. There were no bags. The solitary chair stood there alone. He felt his knees go weak. He looked around. There was no sign of any other person having been there. He suddenly realised he had never really touched any of the bags. And his memory of them was fading fast. The colours. The shapes. It was all fading.
Namit made his way to the steps like a toddler walking for the first time. And as he sat down Sidhant's voice rang inside his head. But it morphed into his own even as the words formed.
You never know the kind of baggage you've got till it's in front of you.
And he heard the duffel bag fall. Heard the crunch of something breaking inside.
Trust. He'd stumbled big this time.
His fingers shot up to his head. They pressed against his temple hard as if trying to crush his thoughts before they even began. But the mind was not to be stopped by brute force.
What about your girlfriend? She deserves to know.
He had finally judged himself. He had finally found himself guilty.
Doesn't Sidhant mean principle, he thought. "Bad joke!" He screamed at his own mind. "Clever. But mean."
He slumped.
This had been eating him up from inside. Only he had become so numb, he never felt it chewing him up. His soul crushed at the realization. But he had needed this.
You were the one who wanted to talk about it Namit.
His body gave up all illusions of strength. He lay down on the veranda and curled up like an unborn baby.
Even as Namit lost consciousness he'd already pulled his phone out. He'd already made that call.
"Baby is everything okay?" came the voice from the other side but Namit was asleep.
"Hello? Namit? Baby?"
There was a terrified pause. Then the phone disconnected. Then it rang again. 'Moina' the screen read.
Half an hour later when Pappu found Namit lying unconscious on the veranda the phone was still ringing.
easily of the best roktim works i've read till date..
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